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ephidryn Nov 28, 2003 14:01 Read 325 times, Dig?
i woke up on the floor of verns room to the phone ringing. it was my friend colin from a while back. from childhood really. he always mentions how i'm a free spirit and he's reliable. i'm not sure if that's intended to show his discontent in life or emphasize my irresponsibility in life but either way it was good to talk to him.

thanksgiving was right around the corner and going through my head when josh burst in and told us that we were going to the strip club for breakfast. vernie kinda woke up but mostly just put on his clothes and stumbled to the car. i only got like 6 hours of sleep thanks to the phone but we were on our way to steak and boobies for breakfast. apparently the owner of the strip club also owns a cattle ranch which is why you can get $4 steaks and see naked girls from 7am to 2am daily.

we arrived at a building that was right off the highway across from the goodwill graveyard. it was painted white with fat blue stripes down it that gave it some sort of beetle juice look. we were greeted at the door by one of largest men i have ever met who glanced at our ID's and told us to have a good day.

as we walked by the video poker machines and a naked girl josh explained that the ATM cost $4 to use but the receipt is a coupon for a 12 ounce Miller high life. we took a seat at a table near the stairs and our waitress took our orders. there were all walks of johns sitting around a stage with a dancing pole and a bar that went all the way around it. the bar was directly in front of us and occupied by a blonde girl that seemed reluctant to start her show with only one greasy onlooker actually sitting at the bar where dollar bills were dropped to indicate appreciation for a particular dancers style or ability to be nude.
  after we got our food and started eating, the blonde girl put on "A lap dance is so much better when the stripper is crying" by the Bloodhound Gang. she jumped up on the pole and started shaking her booty and wiggling around as the lyrics chimed in the background. ("had about as much teeth as a jack-o-lantern") josh gave her a dollar on general principle and we finished our meal. the creepy firecracker with black dreadlocks put on nine inch nails and vernie and i went to sit at the bar. as i finished my drink i realized how easily controlled i can be and nudged vernie so that we could take off.

  out into the daylight we piled into joshes car and went over to the goodwill bins. the-place-where-stuff-they-can't-sell-goes looked like a huge warehouse. the entrance had a helpful guide of chain link fence to make sure you didn't walk the wrong way around the cashiers. furniture, clothes, blankets, computers, stuff. all of it smelled like used stuff and there was the faint odor of dirty diapers in the whole building which was heated by strategically placed huge gas heaters hanging from the rafters. vernie got a barny comforter and other assorted vomit and blood stained bedding. we made jokes at the expense of michael jackson as we left the building.

on the ride home we decided that we should go rough up rapha who is the ex housemate responsible for the poor business relationship between the current inhabitants at 3408 SE 28th Ave and the NW Gas company. we decided that rapha could pawn $400 worth of playstation, guitar, tv, etc... and pay the fucking gas bill so we'd have hot showers. it did snow a few days ago so i couldn't really argue with anything that proactively works towards a resolution to the situation.

rapha didn't answer his door at all. he knew it was us ringing him. he hadn't been answering his phone either. casey turned the handle and pushed the door open. we walked up stairs and cordially said our hellos. i disappeared to the bathroom and washed my hands in the warm water that flowed endlessly from those sweet spigots in the bathroom. i walked out into josh explaining raphas options. rapha seemed to try to squirm out of his responsibilities but vern chimed in with "it's your responsibility but not your problem, we're the ones with no showers or heat, not you." i mentioned that we should stay with rapha until everything was resolved and then began to detail my odd sleeping schedule, dirty habits, and masturbation preferences that may leave a mess in the bathroom.

rapha opted to go with us to the land lords office. where we could take him off the lease and put vern on the lease so that NW Gas would turn the gas on again. back to the pimp mobile we rolled over the bridge and downtown and up to NW where the landlord, Steve, keeps his office. the ride was mostly quiet except for vernie talking about how NW is where all the hip people go outside to be admired by the other people... they can't just sit around in their living rooms being hip cause no one can see them.

josh rolled down his window and let the cold air in. i wasn't quite sure why until i saw a man with a sign that said "don't kill your baby. let us take care of it for you...". just as i read the sign josh belted out "how's business today?! did you get any black ones?!". we all laughed for the next four blocks. apparently he's been at that abortion clinic every day for the last few years.

we arrived at the office only to find steve was not there. we gave him a call and rapha wrote him an official "i moved" letter to facilitate the transfer of the lease. this anti climactic ending left me wanting to go to a bar or something. instead i bothered rapha, asking him if i could shower at his place right after describing the foul nastiness that was my pants. he said no and i tried to extract a valid answer to the question "why"?

we dropped off rapha and headed back to our cold showerless hut. vern and i passed 5 minutes watching our breath in the house before we decided to head to the local coffee shop, The Slack & Loaf, for some coffee and a little relax time which was thankfully uneventful. i was getting really sleepy by this time but then i remembered that i had some speed left over from when vern and i got a hotel room and trashed it. i was wondering where i had put it when i realized i'd been wearing the same pants since then and it was in my little key pocket. i spracked a rail and josh took us to see a really lame horror movie at the theater that he works at. we stopped for pizza and a beer on the way but only josh got pizza and i got two beers. i finished my second beer 10 minutes into the movie and then it started... the endless urination. 3 or 4 times i had to pee... over and over and a lot. i'm not sure where all that water came from but now it's not in me anymore. the movie ended and i did some more speed and we headed to Dantes where my friend josh (the tree) works the door. he mumbled something about being tired and how he wasn't going to make it through the night. i returned with a redbull minutes later and he asked if there was any drugs in it. i told him no and then he described how this girl looked just after she'd had a ghb cocktail that one of the bar patrons had been so kind to give her without telling her about the + contents.

Dantes sports "karaoke from hell" on monday nights. it's basically karaoke but with a live band and the singer get's to choose from a list of 80 or so songs. a hat drawing at the end of the night decided to whom the $100 cash prize went. josh won the hat drawing a couple weeks back and he was ready to do it again. vernie was happy to keep his karaoke cherry intact. i told him i'd give him $20 if he did a song and he didn't really care about his karaoke cherry after that. both did well and i told vern he wouldn't be the guy that people made fun of on their way home.

somehow we ended up in Hung Far Low, a late night chinese place. it had the feel of a back alley place in bangkok. up two flights of stairs and around through an empty restaurant with slow ceiling fans and celotex ceiling tiles. there was one man sitting at the bar in a dark room with red candles lit at each of the empty tables. we sat down at one of the tables and were handed menus. until our food arrived we spoke about the gas situation and how lame the movie was.

after dinner we returned to Dantes just in time to see the second to last act on the stage which was a rather large boy who wasn't wearing a shirt. the audience was cheering him on as he removed his pants leaving only his undershorts and his rolls of fat covering his genitals. as the song ended and he held his last note with his arms spread wide someone came up from behind him and whipped off his undershorts. security escorted the fat naked man to the door and i later learned that this was not a unique occasion.

the next contestant, who wouldn't be overdone, had her shirt off before she got on the stage and she worked her bra off as the song started. i think this took away from her actual singing a bit which she did better than the previous guy but nobody gave a shit cause the whole thing was done now and the end that everyone had been sitting around buying drinks for was here... the $100 grand prize based entirely on luck.

a suicide girl that just happened to work at Dantes was the ordained hat grabber girl which actually turned out to be a large jar. the lead guitarist and mc shook up the jar a little bit too long as some boom chikity song played. the girl reached in and dug around for even longer than the mc had shook the jar. she removed the special piece of paper from the jar a smiled as she read it to herself and she yelled out "elvis!". everyone screamed their cheers as the large autistic elvis impersonator looked shocked behind his coke bottle glasses. three people helped him onto the stage where he would accept his award. elvis had played after my wedding at the 24hr church of elvis when i was married to one corey j baker. that didn't last too long and i've since lost my plastic wedding ring but i still was excited to see a familiar contestant win.

At 05:38 PM 11/25/2003, slinky-nut wrote:
where's my story?!

:o) Sarah
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Comments from other users:

  • "you failed to mention how much karaoke ass i kicked, how superfly the stripper was, and how, well... the unmentioned REST of the night had been.. but, then again.. the CIA might be able to read this..." - religious icon
This story was written by ephidryn and has been brought you you by the letters Q and X.
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